I started my account in December 2013 - Christmas Day I believe. My first post was of my 'night snack', 5 almonds and 2 walnuts (I know now that that is NOT an adequate snack!). My original account username was @arii_vs_ana but over the years I changed this, sometimes out of my own desire and other times due to the fact people from school found my account. My username just now is @rediscoveringariane. My account is set to private at the moment but I'll accept you if you follow me. I also have 2 other recovery accounts, @battlingthebitch and @journeythroughed.
More to the point, had I not started that account and seeked support in my darkest times I doubt I would have survived anorexia. My anorexia had a pattern, that I would relapse and restrict but slowly I would gain strength and experience intermittent wonderful periods of recovery, hence how I managed to get through 3 and a half years of undiagnosed struggling.
You see...on this app I was not 'that freak who didn't eat', I was the same as everyone else posting on that #anorexiarecovery tag...and that made me feel strangely part of some secret society to which I belonged (I am toooootally not quoting The Great Gatsby right now...). Having to devote time to posting gave me a reason to eat. I had to eat otherwise I'd have nothing to post and I would lose followers - and so I did!
When I felt low my followers would be there to pick me up, or there would be someone posting their motivational story, or there would be the fear of losing followers so I would fight as hard as possible. That's not even mentioning the multiple overdoses I have been talked out of by my lovely followers. When I was low they were there, when I was on a roll they were also there - to cheer me on!
When I relapsed things became more difficult...if I posted something triggering I would lose followers but on the other hand if I didn't post then I would lose followers too...it became a game of no winning purely because I felt like I couldn't say I was struggling. This was when I felt that Instagram became more of a competition than a support network. People would stand with their butt sticking out to enhance their thigh gap, say they've got a negative 300 net, or say they aren't willing to fight anymore - I too, was one of these people at a point but being surrounded by negativity meant that the Instagram app bred contempt...
... And so I ceased to post. What was the point? I was so deep in my anorexia I was terrified that if I posted about what I ate then people would think I was fat and a 'fake anorexic', not worthy of help. This was all in my mind, I know that, and I urge anyone struggling with ED to please join this community and use it as I did at the start, but also continue this. When you slip, your follower count slips...meaning less people to keep you strong and less of a reason to recover.
Luckily, now I am with CAMHS. 3 and a half years after beginning my eating disorder I am receiving treatment (with specialist outpatient team ConnectED) and I am doing well. I no longer feel the need to post about food, but you know what? Sometimes I do post about my food and I no longer care! Healing my mind through eating has resulted in that part of me which told me my followers would think I was fat, being destroyed.
Now I just post positive quotes and the occasional update/selfie. I was doing a 'daily positivity' challenge for a while but I had to stop during the exam period, however I may start again.
I would wholeheartedly argue that without the support of my Instagram followers I would either have been hospitalised or not have made it through suicide attempts. I love each expand every person who has touched my life through the recovery community and I wish everyone the best.
Ariane x
